Citoyen(ne), do you print up business cards declaring you to adhere to a defunct political standpoint? Do you refuse to wear any color but black or dark-green-but-only-at-night-time? Do you have less than one friend?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be Pontmercy! But don’t worry yet, mon ami(e), because here is a handy diagnostic quiz to address your concerns! Keep track of your score as you answer these questions about your symptoms.
Question 1: You see your love interest across the park. What do you do?
- My only love interest is universal education and equality amongst all mankind. (+0)
- Which love interest? I have so many. (+2)
- Approach them stealthy-like even though they can clearly see you, sit down next to them, aggressively say nothing. (+3)
Question 2: I say Napoleon, you say…
- Buonaparte (+0)
- Bonaparte (+2)
- The great emperor who brought France and her people to the pinnacle of their achievement(+5)
Question 3: Do you have enough money to get by?
- Yes, because I am a student in Paris and can literally buy anything I want. (+1)
- No, because I am a member of the working class and am probably starving to death RIGHT NOW. (+1)
- No, because I refuse to accept money from my reactionary grandfather. (+5)
Question 4: Personal politics?
- Republican (+1)
- Apolitical (+3)
- Clinging to the most fragile shell of an ideal because the person I idolize above all else believed so. (+5)
Question 5: Why are you at the barricades?
- I seek to overthrow Louis-Phillipe and lead the people to a glorious future. (+0)
- Honestly? I’m here because I got drunk and passed out before the fighting started. (+3)
- I CAME HERE SEEKING DEATH. (+5)
Question 6: Honestly, were you still alive after the Paris Uprising of June 1832?
- No, and I didn’t even get a death scene. (+0)
- No, but I got such a badass death scene like you don’t even know. (+2)
- Yes. (+5)
- 0-4: Enjolras? Combeferre? Feuilly? ?? What are you guys even doing here? You are way too devoted to your carefully-reasoned, well-articulated ideals to be Marius Pontmercy.
- 5-7: Courfeyrac, Lesgle, you are not Marius Pontmercy, but you introduced him to Les Amis, so you are still somewhat to blame for the tragic mess that is Pontmercy. Jehan, you are approximately as ridiculous as Marius, but, you know, in a cute way. So you’re fine.
- 8-15: You are probably not Marius Pontmercy, but your life is in such shambles that it is an easy mistake to make. Grantaire and Éponine, I respect your rights to make your own decisions but perhaps you should make different ones in future???
- 16+: IT IS LIKELY THAT YOU ARE MARIUS PONTMERCY. SEEK TREATMENT IMMEDIATELY AT YOUR LOCAL POLITICALLY-CHARGED CAFÉ.
Steve Rogers’ white shirt of doom